You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
