hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Are we still banned from the library?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
