you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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