I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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