don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
