i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize