he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
