I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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