Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
