i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
