I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
