I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
