When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
