I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
