I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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