Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
