This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
