i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Randomize
