My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
