I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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