I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It's blow job season.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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