Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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