I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
