No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
