dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
