Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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