Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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