my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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