look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
