all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
