The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
