there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
