Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
