My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
