You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
