I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
