its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
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a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
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If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.