I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
