happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
