I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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