I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
