You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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