we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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