her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
