She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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