these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
