alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
