life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
