I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
