I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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