I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Randomize
