I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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