just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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