chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
