please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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