But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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