Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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