I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
